It seems like september is the most intense month of the year. Well at least for me. Not just this September, but every september in general.
You know when you are younger you are all rilled up because it is new school year, when you are little bit older other things come up. September is the month when presence of change is so palpable you can actually touch it, smell it, taste it, you can experience it with all your might. It can be glorious and at the same time it can be down to the core of your being frightening.
It’s time when change is very acutely uncomfortable. It’s time when your creation is so in your face you cannot hide from it, you cannot run away, you cannot walk away, there is no rock on the way to hide beneath it, there is no tree on the side to walk behind it.
There is just space, this magnificent space, where you can perceive infinite possibilities and you get to the point where you can acknowledge that it is your choosing that brought you here and it can and will take you to further, to wider spaces and places, if only you muster up the courage and confidence to face it and allow it to be.
For all those years of my living experience I was driven to understand the change, to understand the creation, to analyze what exactly happened and how it happened and how it will happen. But this year I have lost this sense of control and I am going throughout one of the intensest uncomforts ever. It’s like this chaos of creation is consuming me and from being a control freak and just coming to senses of acknowledging what was going on before that point, to here is with mild words, nerve wrecking.
I mean in sense of feeling, last couple of days I am literally falling apart, my body hurts, I feel everything and more, I cry almost all the time, which is very unusual for me, being around people is like cutting my body wide open and letting wind blow on those open wounds, it makes me want to hit, scream and go crazy, all of that at the same time and the weirdest thing is that somewhere deeper there is this underlying current of lightness. For the first time in my life I allow myself to experience that and I do not seek explanation so fiercely and ferociously.
Somewhere I know what I am going through is just change and change is always chaotic, you cannot define it, you cannot confine it, neither can you truly describe it.
One of the epiphanies that I had in last days is that now I can clearly perceive the magic and power of choice and choosing, the responsibility that brings. Responsibility to be the source of creation for my reality. The knowing that the reality I live shows up based on what I perceive and am willing to receive. Based on thoughts, feeling and emotions which are not mine and if I make them mine can control my life. Yes, I am that powerful, I can make things that do not belong to me mine and I can make them be the source of creation. I can choose to be a victim of my past, I can choose to make whatever happened to me determinate my living.
I am not talking about decisions, I am talking about choice. Can you perceive the flexibility and lightness of this word, choice? You choose and you can also change whatever you choose which with decision is a little bit more complicated. But I will talk more about meaning of words some other time. I am getting this awareness of what does it mean to choose for me, to choose for what I desire in life and as my living experience, as my living!
The acknowledgement which had blown my mind wide open is how much have I been choosing based on what I thought life should be, what the society I live in is expecting of me, based on how I should be, feel, look like, based on what brings more money, more recognition, more acceptance. And it the midst of falling apart I just got it. None of this works, it never worked and this is the exact same reason why is it so painful and depressing. It’s not my idea of living, it’s not my Being’s desire, it doesn’t belong to me, it never did, and it hurts because I have been divorcing myself, abusing myself , making myself less than,just to somehow fit into those ideals that were never mine in the first place.
I got to look to the ones who I admire and there is one thing that they have in common. They follow their calling, they go after what they desire, they go after what lights them up, they get beaten up, they get hurt, they get rejected, frustrated, they get caught up but they never give in, they never give up on THEMSELVES, agains all odds they push throught, even when everything is pitch black they get that the light is not something outside of them, the light is within them, there is no angel that takes you by the hand, it’s you who reaches out and bursts into the wide space.
That space ,where uncomfort becomes your best friend, that space where chaos is all you can perceive, that is the space where consciousness of the whole universe opens the door into creation wide open, just for you, to jump on in and get on the ride of Your lifetime!
You have become the tool for creation to come throught, from wide universe into existence, into this reality. Living is occuring right now, and you have been the chosen one to carry the message of consciousness throught the space and time and bring it to this lush planet. What a Miracle are you to be given a task like this?
Consciousness has a message for you:
The time has come, for you to spread your wings and fly beyond the horizon. The time has come for you to shine! I am counting on you.
Photos: Bloglovin, Spacetelescope.org, Cheesecakeforthemasses.tumblr.com, Phenomena, Smugmug.com